Narcissistic Abuse & Coercive Control: The Silent Killers

Recently, we shared a video on our Instagram introducing the topics of narcissistic abuse and coercive control. In today’s blog, we highlight the key insights from that talk, share 10 red flags to watch out for, and offer practical tips on how to protect yourself from such abuse.

Narcissistic Abuse and Coercive control don’t always leave bruises—but their impact can be just as devastating. Often hidden behind charm, manipulation, and power dynamics, these forms of abuse slowly erode a person’s sense of self, safety, and independence.

What is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abusers often display grandiosity, a deep need for admiration, lack of empathy, and manipulative tendencies. Beneath their confidence lies a fragile ego that can explode into rage when challenged. Victims may experience confusion, low self-worth, isolation, and trauma bonding—feeling emotionally hooked to someone who harms them.

In relationships, narcissists may dehumanise their partners, use emotional control, gaslighting, and even sexual coercion. They rarely take responsibility, often blaming their victims or external stressors, keeping those they harm trapped in a cycle of guilt and self-doubt.

Research & Studies

• Narcissism is a strong predictor of Intimate Partner Violence, especially in men.

• A 2008 meta-analysis (Bushman & Baumeister) found that narcissistic individuals are more likely to engage in both reactive and proactive aggression, including physical and verbal assault.

• Studies have shown that narcissistic traits—especially grandiosity, entitlement, and lack of remorse—predict higher rates of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse in relationships.

• Narcissism is also associated with higher rates of stalking and revenge behaviours after breakups, especially when the narcissist feels humiliated or rejected.

Coercive Control

Legally recognised in the UK since 2015 under the Serious Crime Act, coercive control is a pattern of psychological abuse used to dominate and isolate another person. It includes:

• Monitoring daily activities and communications

• Controlling finances and appearance

• Gaslighting, threats, intimidation

• Enforcing rules and punishing "disobedience"
  

It’s not just theory—real cases have highlighted how coercive control plays out in high-profile relationships.

High-Profile Examples: Diddy & Tate

Sean “Diddy” Combs is currently facing serious allegations, including sexual assault and trafficking. Testimonies reveal disturbing patterns of psychological coercion, including:

• Intimidation and control over victims' movements

• Isolation from support networks

• Manipulation and threats to maintain dominance

• Abuse of fame and power to silence survivors
  

Andrew Tate is facing a UK civil trial—marking the first legal case of its kind to recognise coercive control. Allegations span 2013–2015 and include:

• Threats of violence, including with a firearm

• Gaslighting and manipulation

• Enforcing isolation and dependence

• Using fear and psychological pressure to maintain control
  

These cases show how coercive tactics thrive behind closed doors—often protected by power, money, or social influence.

10 Red Flags That Can Save You

What may seem like harmless ‘quirks’ can actually be early red flags. Pay close attention to the following signs—or a combination of them—within your relationships:

1. Low frustration tolerance: Pay attention to how they handle disappointment or criticism. Do they hold grudges, get angry easily, become distant or cold, or throw tantrums? Notice whether they recognise their own frustration and take accountability for their reactions.

2. Talking over others: They may dominate conversations with long monologues, leaving little space for others to speak or be heard.

3. Isolation and loyalty tests: They may want to spend all their time with you and make you feel guilty for seeing friends or family. This can feel intense—like love bombing—but is often about control.

4. Irresponsible and impulsive behaviour: This can include reckless driving (a high predictor due to entitlement) or other risky actions. Watch for emotional shifts—moving quickly from upset to calm without reflection or accountability.

5. Repeated harmful behaviours: They cycle through the same toxic behaviours, even after apologising. There’s no real change—just repeated harm without accountability.

6. Criticising and demeaning others: They may put others down while constantly praising themselves. Pay attention to how they speak about others in their lives, including ex-partners—it can reveal a lot.

7. Disrespecting boundaries: When you set a boundary or ask a reasonable question, they may accuse you of being “too sensitive,” “too controlling,” or ignore your boundary altogether.

8. Emotional manipulation: They may use phrases like, “If you loved me, you would…” to guilt or pressure you into doing something you’re uncomfortable with.

9. Gaslighting when caught: If you catch them in a lie, they may deflect by calling you paranoid, crazy, or insecure. They may shift the topic entirely, blame you, or act like a victim, claiming that the world is against them.

10. Entitlement and blame: They take full credit when things go well, attributing success to their own perfection. But when things go wrong, they see it as unfair or someone else’s fault—they believe they’re entitled to have everything go their way.

What Victims Often Feel

Victims may stay because of fear, financial dependence, or hope for change. Many don’t even recognise they’re being abused until the damage is done. Shame and self-blame can keep them silent—but they are not alone.

Psychological Self-Defence

Awareness is power. Taking time to observe, staying grounded in your instincts, setting boundaries, and talking openly with supportive people can protect you from manipulation.

Here are few points on what you can do:

• Take it slow so you can pay attention without becoming emotionally entangled or downplaying red flags.

• Understand your own wounds and how they may attract you to the familiar—such as patterns of trauma bonding.

• Remember: The good doesn’t cancel out the bad. Positive moments don’t excuse harmful behaviour.

• Build strong personal boundaries—and learn to express them confidently.

• Talk it out with trusted people who validate your experiences.

• Maintain your social connections (friendships, hobbies, interests)—they are a lifeline.

• Practice assertiveness and strengthen your voice through training or support.

• Trust your instincts: See things for what they are. Don’t rationalise or disconnect from your intuition, your authenticity, or your lived experience.

You Are Not Alone

If you've experienced narcissistic abuse or coercive control (whether in personal or professional life), know that the legal system is slowly catching up, and that support is growing.

Coercive control and narcissistic abuse thrive in silence—but awareness breaks that silence. You have options. You have the right to be safe, respected, and free.

To watch the full episode on Narcissistic Abuse and Coercive Control with our special guest and Psychotherapist Sandra Santiago, visit our Instagram page.

Stay tuned for more videos on Awareness, Spotting the Red Flags, and Protecting yourself from manipulative tactics!

As always, stay strong, stay safe out there xx

Joanna