World Champion in debut book shows how the psychological barriers to fighting back are often more challenging than the physical.
- Joanna Ziobronowicz
- Oct 1, 2024
- 8 min read
Written by travel journalist, broadcaster and author Sarah Tucker. Her new book Edward de Bono: Love Laterally is available for preorder on Amazon.
“Stop saying sorry Sarah.”
This was the feedback I received when I attended a self-defence class last month with Joanna Ziobronowicz, a former IBJJF World and European Champion and a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. She was one of the first women to receive a black belt from Roger Gracie. Gently spoken and unassuming, she told me that when I defend myself and fight someone intent on attacking and harming me, I must stop saying sorry. She explained that I am typical of many women—young and old—who were brought up with what she calls the 'good girl syndrome.' This syndrome means putting up with things you shouldn't and being the appeaser, the pleaser, the stoic. It also means allowing yourself to be trampled on, emotionally and physically. This is why she wrote her first book, She Fights Back (Watkins Publishing), to focus on the psychological barriers women face in defending themselves and how to overcome them.
Joanna knows what she is talking about. She combined her Master’s degree from University College London from the department of Psychology and Language Sciences, with on-the-ground experience working in security. As the owner of Women’s Self Defense UK, where she works with individuals and corporates to deliver self-defence certification courses and workshops, she finds that it is not the physical aspect of defending and fighting back that women find most challenging. Rather, it is the psychological aspects, often ingrained in early childhood, that keep them feeling powerless and frozen.
Listening to her, I realised how many narratives girls are told, from Cinderella, to Snow White, to Sleeping Beauty, and even the more feisty Frozen and Moana, still show the feminine as overcoming the male need to dominate. Even alternative tales like Wicked, Enchanted, and Maleficent show that true love is not found in the handsome prince but in the kinship among women.
“I decided to write this book because attacks on women and girls are increasing at an alarming rate. A new report by the National Police Chiefs' Council (NPCC) and the College of Policing, published this Tuesday, described violence against women as a ‘national emergency’ that has reached ‘epidemic’ levels. With a 37% increase in violent crimes against women in England and Wales from 2018, it was the right time to publish a book on women’s safety, aiming to address the pressing issues women face in the modern Western world.
It is (on most occasions) not so much about learning the physical tactics needed to protect themselves (which are also included in the book), but rather breaking away from the 'good girl syndrome' behaviours and patterns they have been conditioned to follow. Undoing these multi-generational behaviours—naturalised even if not explicitly spoken—is essential.”
“I chose the title She Fights Back because it is not only about defending yourself but also ensuring that it won’t happen again. There are anecdotes throughout the book of incidents where women have been able to ward off unwanted approaches and use tactics to outmaneuver and disarm male intruders.”
One example is of a woman just over five feet tall in a nightclub, where a man over six feet tall touches her backside. She points and shouts, making sure everyone around her knows exactly what is happening, and keeps shouting coherently and vocally to put all the focus on him. Joanna says she observed this, and it can work, remembering that safety always comes first.
“Men do not expect that behaviour. Shock often disarms the woman, but maintaining vigilance and knowing automatically how to respond when and if it happens will help prevent it from happening again. There’s a confidence women give off when they have moved away from the good girl syndrome and are prepared to fight back. Men will typically target women who they feel won’t fight back. Hence, the psychological battle is often not with the man,” Joanna states, “it is with herself.”
Joanna highlights that in an ideal world, we wouldn’t have to learn these confidence skills and strategies to defend ourselves and our boundaries, but looking at the disturbing statistics on violence against women, we probably should.
Joanna includes in her book why women between the ages of 15 and 19 are more likely to be attacked than any other age group. This I found surprising, as I felt my generation (Gen X), where many women were brought up to people-please, borne on the shoulders of Jane Austen romance and fairy tales of only the pretty girls being worthy of rescue, and a whole swathe of baby-men who felt it was the role of women to fix them, would have had the most psychological problems. But this is not the case.
While Gen Xers may have had the fairy tales, the 15-19 year-olds—the Millennials—had social media to chasten them into behaving in a certain way. Even #MeToo and the outing of predators such as Sir Jimmy Savile (posthumously) and the Boston Herald's exposure of the pedophile trade in the Catholic Church have triggered figures like Andrew Tate, who ironically appeared on Big Brother and preaches that men are men and women should be grateful and preferably remain in a victim state where they are easy to control, abuse, and suppress.
Much is spoken of the misogyny of Trump and Boris, but they have only served to squeeze the spot that has been there all along. The belief that men are superior to women—not some women but all women—is commonplace but has largely been left unspoken, sometimes because it was considered an unspoken truth and more recently because they fear that the 'woke' or 'PC' brigade could lead to potential loss of reputation and income. So, they are not concerned about being misogynists but about how to appear not to be misogynists.
For example, there’s a book Gentleman’s Club by John Argus, published as recently as 1998, where the introduction lambasts the demise of men-only clubs. Men over a certain age looked at how behaviour they thought was the norm is now being perceived as coercive and abusive. When recently, an 80-something friend of my family put a fist to my throat (twice), and I told my mother about it, she replied, "Oh yes, he does that to you too. He’s just being obnoxious. You get used to it." When I told her that wasn’t obnoxiousness but abuse, she looked guilty and tearful, ashamed she had allowed herself and me to be treated that way.
Organisations such as Compass have no teeth in cases like that because the victim needs to recognise it as abuse before they can claim it as such, and women over a certain age (sixty plus) have been brought up to normalise such behaviour. This is why the 16-19 statistic is so worrying because it appears their parents are teaching the same narratives to their sons and daughters. Not only that, but abusive behaviour among those in power—politics, religion, business—shows how this behaviour is celebrated, glamourised, and rewarded.
There was a world where Johnson and Trump were in power at the same time, and we have all men over a certain age in charge of the world, fighting their egos, not willing to give up, and entrenched in their misogynistic narrative no matter how they wish to appear. Combine this with women who appear happy to conform or perhaps too fearful to challenge the patriarchal narrative, and there is a long way to go.
But Joanna’s book does its part by shining a light on the need to focus on the psychological aspect of women needing the confidence to know they have a right to fight back and to change the narrative, while taking safety precautions. To not be Cinderella or Jane, but Tarzan and Alice, who refused to play by the rules. (I’m much more Alice and identified with Belle from Poor Things more than I did Belle from Beauty and the Beast—a tale again about a woman needing to fix a man.)
The book suggests that women can focus on building a strong sense of boundaries and to use confidence-boosting tools, rather than waiting for the men to change or trying to fix the man—something Virginia Woolf suggested a long time ago, as did Margaret Atwood in The Handmaid’s Tale, countering Jane Austen’s attempts in Pride and Prejudice, with Darcy being the ultimate romanticised fixer-upper.
Joanna’s book includes checklists and asks questions of the reader about how they would behave in similar scenarios. As I mentioned, my main issue was not wanting to hurt anyone who was attacking me, but also finding out (which the book reveals) if by defending myself I am breaking the law. “A lot of women think if they fight back, they will themselves be liable for a criminal offense, but the law looks at it as reasonable force, so it is important for women to know this. This is again how the mind and our belief system make us feel guilty for protecting ourselves. It is not merely defending ourselves; it is fighting back.”
The book discusses several key aspects: the use of strongest body parts such as knees and elbows to defend oneself, maintaining body and spatial awareness, and overcoming the tendency to freeze when surprised. It emphasises that while some characteristics of an abuser will be quite apparent (she discusses red flags and warning signs), on some occasions the attackers will not warn you before assaulting you—they will act suddenly.
Additionally, it highlights how women can use their intuition, often referred to as "gut instinct," to navigate tricky situations and to protect themselves from harm.
The book is also important for men, especially fathers, who need to instil in their daughters the courage to defend themselves. “Fathers often perceive attacks on women and girls as affecting ‘other’ people—other girls, not their own. Fathers should take as much responsibility as mothers,” Joanna says.
Joanna mentions several body language techniques, including one called the "power pose," which I've noticed many politicians use, especially during election time (feet wide, hands on hips, chest out). This pose can make you feel more confident and grounded. Other tips include harnessing your breathing, but the psychological aspect of focusing on an attacking-back mentality is crucial for women.
The book does not address conflicts between women, which would be a much larger and more complex topic. However, it does offer strategies for de-escalating conflict, navigating cultural differences, and strengthening intuition to identify potential attackers. Additionally, there is a chapter on trauma that I find incredibly important. “I included this chapter because it is crucial. Studies show that women who have suffered abuse or traumatic experiences are more likely to fall victim again. Predators are highly skilled at detecting vulnerability cues. It’s important to know how to constructively deal with trauma to safeguard ourselves from future harm. Building a new sense of self-belief and self-esteem over time can help those affected to strengthen themselves inside and out, rather than be defeated by their experiences,” Joanna explains.
As for me, I’ve stopped saying sorry and regard my special awareness as vital to my ability to fight back as my newly found respect for my elbows and knees.
She Fights Back is published by Watkins Publishing and is available on Amazon and all good book shops.
References:
The Guardian: https://amp.theguardian.com/society/article/2024/jul/23/violence-against-women-national-emergency-england-wales-police
The Telegraph: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2024/07/23/influencers-fuelling-epidemic-of-misogynist-violence-police
The Independent: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/violence-against-women-police-reports-b2583893.html
The Associated Press: https://apnews.com/article/uk-police-violence-against-women-girls-585c695c32fb1961fd6d7bff3be5e6da
The official announcement from the NPCC: https://news.npcc.police.uk/releases/call-to-action-as-violence-against-women-and-girls-epidemic-deepens-1
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